Things I love

This was a really rough week for me. Lots of stress and lots of busyness. But I am trying to remind myself of Jesus’ presence amidst the negative. Because if I don’t, I will tumble down the cliff of self-pity, head over heels, spinning over and over again, until I am bruised by my own thoughts and getting out seems impossible. So I just want to share with you some of the things I love about Cambodia, my work, and my family – because each of these areas of my life is getting a little confining for me right now and identifying blessings puts a little cushion space between the problems and my heart.

Things I love about Cambodia:

1. The smells of rotisserie chickens as they rotate around and around on the spits set up along the side of the street as I ride past on my bike on my way home from work at 5:00
2. Khmer food – most of it anyway…
3. The low cost of food (I can buy a full lunch of rice and food for between 50 and 75 cents at work each day), clothes (H&M shirts for $3). And no tax!
4. The familiar diddy of the icecream carts that go past every day
5. The unique sounds of the Khmer language and the beauty of the script
6. The beauty of Khmer people, especially their smiles that light up their whole faces

Things I love about work:

1. Phally (one of the social workers) and her excitement at sharing Jesus with other people
2. Listening to Neth (our male social worker) sing throughout the day with his beautiful voice
3. The fact that our social work office is the one place in some of these girls’ lives that they can go to without expecting to be blamed or cursed
4. The eager eyes of our clients as they listened to Phally sharing about the story of the woman at the well in John 4 at our Friday afternoon church service this week
5. The talent of our clients, doing things I can’t even begin to do, like sewing clothes, bags, and purses, and making beautiful jewelry by hand
6. Hearing the Truth of Jesus spoken and shared like it is the best news in the world – because it is!

Things I love about home:

1. The way Kevin and Sasa yell “Jennaaaaaaa!” when I ride my bike up into the house each day after work
2. Sasa being the perfect size to wrap my arms around in a full-on hug – and the fact that she loves to initiate those hugs!
3. Watching little Nathan dance with his arms as a huge smile crosses his face and a loud giggle escapes from his throat
4. Eating meals on the floor on a rice mat
5. The yummy food Vanna makes for us to eat each day, especially green papaya soup 🙂

And here are some random pictures of our Daughters of Cambodia staff retreat last weekend. We had lots of fun!

And that’s a good thing.

Heat. It is starting to heat up again. The wonderful two months of the cold season (85 degrees) are now dwindling and I can once again feel the sweat threatening behind each of my pores the moment I walk outside. Thankfully there is still a breeze each day which keeps the sweat at bay (at least for the first 5 minutes of going outside) except when I am riding the streets on my bike. Then, I get a refreshing 10 minutes of sweatless enjoyment of the wind blowing past my face and through my loose clothes. But soon, even that breeze will become less and less, until all is left is dry stifling heat that makes me feel claustrophobic, no matter how much empty space is around me. The inside of my body is just as hot as it is outside (98.6 degrees). So why does the heat bother me so much? And yet the fact that my body is getting used to this crazy heat (and will continue to get even more used to it), just means that summers in the Pennsylvania heat and humidity will seem mild. And that’s a good thing.

Pollution. This is really starting to get to me too. Cars, motos, tuk-tuks – all continuously spitting out fumes that feel like they are coating the inside of my lungs with…black. The amount of pollution is probably not that much more than in American cities (and may even be less), but the fact that I almost always travel on my bicycle or on a moto makes my lungs much more vulnerable to being filled with filth. You know those teal surgical masks that people sometimes wear in the US when they have a really serious flu or something and then they get really funny looks from other people because “they are so weird for taking care of others’ health”? Yep, I wear one of those now when I’m out in traffic. But many other people do too, so I don’t ever get those weird looks. In fact I feel a little more Cambodian when I wear it. And sometimes I use it (combined with my helmet) to hide my face so the tall, young policeman who stands on the corner doesn’t call me over when I’m stopped at a traffic light to ask me about where I’m going and if I have a husband.  The pollution just makes me want to take care of my health more. And that’s a good thing.

Broken Families. Well, that’s not even an accurate description of what is so prevalent in Cambodia. It is not broken families in the same sense that we think of in the US. These are just broken people who do not know what it means to care about the others they live with and do what is best for them. That’s not totally true. I see evidence of care and love, but the ideas that exist of what that love should look like are so discouraging. But then I am reminded, as I look at all these broken people living with other broken people and trying to make life better by being together, isn’t that true for all of us? Broken people in relationship with other broken people and trying to make the most of life? We are all broken and I have been so consciously aware of my own brokenness the last few weeks and how much that separates me from my God who just continuously showers kindness on me (Eph. 1: 6). So what do we do with our brokenness? Do we shove it down and ignore it so we can put up a righteous front and then inwardly judge others for doing the same thing we do? I did that last week. It’s fairly easy to recognize when we judge other people. We feel more righteous. We feel more justified in what we do because we do it right. We feel “better” than the other person. But then, when we really take time to stop and listen to the reason the Holy Spirit is pricking our conscience, no matter how lightly, we realize the real problem is our pride. We can judge the other person because we take pride in the fact that we don’t do what they are doing. We get annoyed with people who are late because we take pride in our punctuality. Or we get frustrated with that person who never follows through on what they say they will, because we take pride in being responsible and getting things done as soon as we think of them. That is what I do. All of my judgment comes out of my pride. And so I am just as guilty of sin as the people I am judging. Broken families…broken people…broken me. We are all the same. And so as I ride my bike to and from work, I look at the faces I pass and I pray. I pray for their brokenness, for their families. And so my realization of my own brokenness and sin has made me draw closer to Jesus in prayer. And that’s a good thing.

Actually, that’s a God thing.

Fresh Watermelon Juice

Right now, I am sitting in my regular Saturday cafe, called Jars of Clay, sipping at fresh watermelon juice. I’ve always wanted to be a regular at a cafe where the servers know who I am. And it really is exactly that… juice squeezed from a watermelon, still room temperature because you don’t chill watermelon here. I watch the thick layer of watermelon foam sink a little further in my glass as I slowly sip at the juice, and I am struck again at the beauty of simplicity. Why can’t we have fresh watermelon juice in the States? It’s easy. Buy a watermelon and squeeze it. No sugar. No additives. No artificial flavorings that junk up our body systems and make us skeptical of everything we eat. Thank You, Jesus, for this moment. Just me, you, and fresh watermelon juice.

So I just got over a short bout of typhoid fever. Crazy, I know! I had been vaccinated a few years ago so I had a very mild form of typhoid, thankfully. But to make up for getting off the hook for that, I was also coughing up one of my lungs with some form of bronchitis at the same time. But after 15 consecutive meals of only rice porridge (called bwa-bwa) and some form of meat, I am feeling better and am back to eating normal food again. That normal food includes things like my Mom’s party mix that we make at Christmas which always makes me think of Christmas time. The party mix that a few weeks ago I was desperately craving and almost made for myself using Bethany and Ryan’s oven. The party mix that I wanted Vanna and Boeurn to taste to know what Christmas tastes like for me at home. And that same party mix that my dear mother and father sent to me all the way over here in Cambodia without knowing I had wanted it so badly. What a joyous moment that was when I saw that familiar container filled to the brim with the salty nostalgic snack! That normal food also includes things like bread, Khmer curry, sour fish soup (one of my favorites here) and cauliflower chaa (stirfry). And yes, eating normal food also means delicious fresh watermelon juice to savor.

Something else I have been thinking about. I want to do something hands-on. I sit in my office day after day, talking with my wonderful social workers about the clients they are seeing and trying to come up with the best solutions for them, despite the lack of resources and supports here in Cambodia. I see some of the clients at our weekly church service on Friday afternoon, and I see others when they come over to the social work office to meet with the counselors. But I only really have time to say “Sous-e-dey” as a greeting or “som-toh, bong” if I am in someone’s way. I am not doing much to make a direct difference in anyone’s lives. Yes, yes, I know the work I do is important and helpful. I really do believe that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me of something this week. One of the reasons I left the United States was to be uncomfortable. Even though that is a self-centered motive because it is about me, I wanted to do something that would change how I view things. I believe that is when God works the best. He is our strength when we are weak, right? That is something I have learned over and over again since coming here. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my comfortable life in America and lack no needs. And moreover, it is easy for me to be content with that and not want to push myself. And so I left.

And uncomfortable is what I have been! From the food to new relationships, from vastly different cultural family dynamics than what I’m used to, to an insane lack of traffic patterns, Cambodia has made me uncomfortable. But now I’m settling in. Now I’m getting used to skinny spaces between cars and motos that I weave my bicycle through each day on my way to and from work. I’m adjusting to having neighbors come into our home whenever they want to borrow whatever they want from our fridge.  Things are feeling semi-normal. And now God is reminding me that I came here to be uncomfortable.  Shucks.

But I know this is what my heart wants. Even though my selfish desires want to just stay in this comfortable place where I’m getting along with my host family and learning to like strange foods and sitting in my office, safe from needing to speak Khmer and make a fool of myself; deep down, I long for change. I long to be transformed into someone who resembles Jesus. And the way Jesus worked was to go where it was uncomfortable. So I am feeling restless again. Restless to be able to look into the eyes of a hurting person and love them. Restless to do something with the hope of Jesus I have in my heart instead of just keeping it inside. I want to share that hope, but I’m just not sure how yet. I can’t speak Khmer well enough. I’m getting better, but am a far-shot from being able to say anything that would explain to another person even what God is teaching me now. So maybe for now I need to look for those people I CAN share with – people who speak English. Or maybe…part of the “uncomfortable” God is calling me to is to use the little Khmer I know to build relationships. To put myself in a vulnerable position by asking to be a friend. Maybe that means inviting someone to a cafe for a friendly and uncomfortable conversation all in Khmer.

And maybe some fresh watermelon juice too.

 

Christmastime is here and passed

Well, Christmas just happened. And I heard it was a white one back in PA! Part of me feels like it didn’t even happen, other than the fact that there are holiday pictures to look at on facebook and I had many people from back home wishing me merry Christmas! But it didn’t feel like Christmas. My Christmas day was much different from what I am used to Christmas day being like. Not only that, but my Christmas day was much different from what I expected it to be like too. I’ll give you the rundown.

I woke up Christmas morning expecting to go to the zoo with Ryan and Bethany Umble, their kids, and two house helpers. I was SO excited about it because I don’t remember the last time I was at a real zoo and I thought that since I am in Cambodia, there might be some cool animals that zoos in the US don’t typically have. So I was pumped to go. And then about a half hour after I woke up, I started feeling nauseous. Uh-oh. So I kept going about my normal schedule, hoping it would go away part way through the morning, since that is what has typically happened when I woke up nauseous other times. So I biked to the Umbles’ house and by that time I was ready to throw-up, but couldn’t, even when I tried. Eventually a little baby one came, but it didn’t really help me feel all that better.

So I stayed home. The Umbles left and I went and laid down on their sofa. Even that was a welcome relief. See I am used to laying on the sofa in my family room at home, eating buttered toast (if anything), and drinking tea with honey when I am sick. I haven’t had that since being here. In the Khmer culture, if someone gets sick, it is a sign that they are weak and need more strength. So they feed that person a lot of food. That’s what they do here. I really want to enter into Khmer culture, but there’s a problem with that. Usually when I am nauseous even the thought of food makes me almost vomit. So eating two whole bowls of fried rice, although tasty, is not my idea of helpful when I am sick. The few times I have been sick here in Cambodia, I have just laid on my bed in my room, avoiding any food and being really bored. And then when I go downstairs in order to not be completely lame by staying by myself all day, I am bombarded with lots of food and noisy children. Sigh.

So being sick on Christmas day at the Umbles’ house was a real blessing for me. I laid on the sofa, made myself some buttered toast once I started feeling better, and also made some Chai tea (that’s my favorite Christmas flavor!). Just like at home. It was lovely. By late-morning I was feeling better so I ventured over to the Umbles’ keyboard. I think this was my favorite part of the day. They have a keyboard/piano, but I have never played it because there are always children running around and I like to play when I’m alone. And so here I was…alone. So I played. And if I can be honest for a brief moment, I just about cried when I touched those keys. It was like a little feeling of coming home. And that’s when I realized in a new way that piano is like therapy for me. So I played and sang to Jesus, belting out songs of worship. And then I wrote. I had time to write songs in a place where I was alone and where there was a keyboard. God knew what I needed that day.

I slept a little in the afternoon and woke up to a text from Bethany saying they were going to be home from the zoo in 5 minutes. Okay, here’s the thing; I like naps, but I’m never sure if they are going to be a good idea or a bad idea. Sometimes I wake up feeling refreshed and sometimes I wake up feeling frustrated and moody. Not really sure why. Unfortunately, this was one of those naps when I woke up feeling frustrated and moody. I put on a happy face for the Umbles, but inside I felt this gnawing negativity. Then I got a call from Vanna and after some miscommunication, I rushed home to get changed for a Christmas dinner we were going to that evening, which left me more frustrated. Once again, my expectations were very different from the reality.

What I had been told (or what I was under the impression the evening would be like) is that we (my host family and I and my host dad’s sister Linda) would be going over to the house of an American friend of my host dad to eat supper with his family. I pictured a very nice, quiet, half American/half Khmer Christmas meal where the adults would talk around a table and the kids would play together on their own. Instead, we walked to Boeurn’s friend’s house, where I found myself surrounded by teenage kids and 7 or 8 tables set up for a banquet looking meal. As it turns out, Boeurn’s friend is a single man who runs an orphanage with about 30 kids and each year he invites his friends over and they serve this huge meal to everyone. Not exactly what I was expecting.

And I was flustered. Flustered and suddenly very irritated. I was not in the mood to talk to people…especially Khmer people who I didn’t know. I still wasn’t feeling the greatest and had really been looking forward to a quiet relaxing evening. Well, I have really been talking to God a lot more lately and working at changing my attitude when I’m upset instead of dwelling in my anger, so I talked to Jesus about how I was feeling. I said “Jesus, I’m really not happy right now and this is not what I wanted this night to be like. I really just want to make up some excuse about me not feeling well and walk back home. But this is where I am right now and I want to enjoy it. Please help me change my attitude.” About an hour later, I was talking with a co-worker of Boeurn and I realized that I was enjoying myself. My anger and irritation  had disappeared and I was really enjoying having a conversation with this girl (her English was very good).

And I gave thanks.

I enjoyed the rest of the night immensely and as I reflected back on my day as I was journaling that night, I wrote this,

“I had to think back to last year or even the beginning of being in Cambodia and I realized if this had happened then, I would have wallowed in my frustration and stayed negative. But I’m learning! It always makes me so excited when I realize that! Thank You Jesus for transforming my heart to be more like Yours. It was a good Christmas. Sometimes not doing what you expect to is a good thing. Schedules…psh.“

 

Daughters of Cambodia…Daughters of God

My last 5 weeks have been full of new thoughts, new skills, new people, new experiences. and new roles. I started work. Yep, my first social work job ever. Except I don’t get paid. But that’s okay. It still feels like a job, just without some of the restrictions that a real job would have. But it definitely has all the same stresses. I’ll back up.

I am working at an NGO called Daughters of Cambodia. We have an excellent video on our website, daughtersofcambodia.org, that explains the services we provide and the ideas behind the work we do. But in case you are feeling too overwhelmed by holiday shopping or planning family Christmases, or just tired of children demanding your attention in order for them to tell you how excited they are about getting presents, and you don’t feel like you have the time to watch a 10-15 minute video (it is long, but worth it) I’ll give you a brief summary of what we do. We accept men and women who have previously been involved in sex work, whether by choice, situational forces, or human force, and we give them a salaried job using various skills they are trained in. Our clients still live in their own homes and with their families because we believe the best way to enact lasting change is to help them learn how to make the changes within the environment they currently live in. This is great, but it also creates many challenges. It means they are still living with abusive partners, in communities where drugs are rampant and debts accumulate overnight. This is where my team’s role comes in.

I work with the social workers. We have 4 Khmer social workers on staff (3 women and 1 man) who meet with any clients who desire to talk with a social worker about something they are struggling with. Much of the encouragement the social workers do is how to build good relationships, how to manage money and budget their salaries they are getting, and how to take care of themselves. If the problem is an abusive partner or family member, we often have our male social worker meet with those family member to work with them to make better decisions as well. Okay, so my role. I sort of serve as the social work supervisor. Sort, but not really. They are the ones who understand the culture and who have been doing this WAY longer than I have. So I mainly just support them and help them make decisions about what would be best for the client they are seeing. I also spend a lot of time keeping up to date on everything we know about each client and making sure we are following-up on all of them so none fall through the cracks. Yeah…I would say we have about 50 clients we see on a regular basis, and about 140 we see every once in awhile. It’s a lot to keep track of and I probably won’t get all of them down until next August…just in time for me to leave 🙂

I have found it is easy for me to get stressed if I let myself, so I will need to figure out ways to keep my panic levels from rising when I have a lot on my plate. But I’m also just getting used to the work and it will take a little while to have it fully feel like I know what I’m doing. But I love my staff! A lot. They are so much fun, and there is definitely down time during the day when we are able to just catch up on what is going on in each of their lives (that’s part of my job too!) and make sure they are taking care of themselves. Not to mention, having an hour and a half lunch break – half hour to eat and an hour to nap. That’s no joke. The Khmer take their naps very seriously!

So I want to introduce you to my social work team. They are going to be like my family at work so I want you to know them…at least a little.

In the front row from left to right is Phally (pronounced Pauly) and Neth (Nate). In the back row is Sophea (So-PEE-ah), me (MEE), Naycheang (Nay-CHEE-ung), and Danet (Danette). Danet is our Center Manager who works with more management things, but the other four are our 4 Khmer social workers.

They all speak English which is wonderful! Sometimes the language barrier makes it difficult to know exactly what is going on in a client’s case, since English grammar is stupid and difficult and they don’t always get the pronouns or words exactly right. But we are learning. I decided recently how much I just want to learn from these people here – at work, at home, at church, and just anyone I come in contact with. They have a lot to teach me. Why should I not use it as a learning experience? Maybe God has something really cool to teach me or show me in someone’s life, and if I’m not looking for it, I may miss it. I hope I can remember to do that when I’m back home too. People in the U.S. can teach us as much as people in Cambodia. Remember that.

I want to share about the Christmas party we had for the clients at Daughters of Cambodia. I didn’t want to go at first. I still don’t feel confident in my Khmer and that’s the only language the clients know. I knew I would feel out-of-place and not know what to do with myself. You would think by this time I would be okay with that, but I’m not. But I went because I just felt I should. And thank God I did! Yes I felt out-of-place, but I didn’t really care. I walked into the building a little late and I heard high-pitched girly squeals over and over again coming from the third floor. All 150 or so girls were crammed into a room along with staff too. They were playing a game and were having the time of their lives. One thing I am learning about Khmer culture…for as much as they care about looking nice when they are in public, they sure don’t care about what other people think of them when they are playing games! There were truly like little girls at a birthday party. I sat there and grinned as I watched these grown women laugh out loud, with huge smiles on their faces – fully enjoying this moment of fellowship with others. I felt like I was getting a peek into what heaven will be like – hundreds of God’s children coming together to enjoy celebrating Jesus by playing games, talking, laughing – each of them broken and fallen, and yet restored to completeness by the blood of Jesus. These Daughters of Cambodia are Daughters of God. Thanks, God, for making me put up with feeling out-of-place, for me to see a little glimpse of Your glory on earth. Yep, the purpose of this organization – helping woman and men become more whole human beings through the love of Jesus and the love of people – that’s what I want the purpose of my life to be.

I had waffles recently. I know this is totally unrelated, but I don’t mind if you think I’m ridiculous. Waffles might possibly be a favorite food of my tastebuds. Especially when they are carefully spread with just the right amount of peanut butter, topped with slices of bananas and then decorated with a little Sammy the Bear syrup. Or smother them in vanilla yogurt, and then cover with berries and bananas. Unfortunately Cambodia doesn’t have berries. I think it is just marvelous how combinations of flavors can make a girl so happy. Sometime this week, make a favorite food of yours and enjoy it. Truly savor it. See how long you can take to eat it. I’m so glad God made eating such an enjoyable thing.

So do this with me this week…learn as much as you can from the people around you and eat your ultimate favorite food. And enjoy both. I truly believe God enjoys watching us enjoy the things He created us to enjoy. So do it 🙂 And you know what? Tell me about it. Leave comments on here or send me an email telling me about what you are learning from others and how enjoyable it was to eat your favorite food (And what it was!). I seriously love hearing about the small details going on in your lives. That reminds me…

To my beautiful church family: I cannot tell you how much I thoroughly enjoy reading the emails some of you are sending me. I hope you don’t feel silly writing about random details of your lives about people I don’t know. I am treasuring them with all my heart. I am getting to know you better as people and as friends, even if we haven’t really connected very much in the last 5 years. I look forward to those emails so much each day. I am sorry I cannot reply individually to each of you – I would love to – but it just wouldn’t be feasible. So know that I truly enjoy reading them and I take them as little nuggets of home. What a blessing you all are to me!

I would say Merry Christmas, but I’m learning that I get so caught up in the “seasonality” and all the fancy things that come along with a merry Christmas that I’m trying to think more about Jesus. That’s not hard to do since there isn’t much of the seasonality of Christmas here in Cambodia.

So instead, CELEBRATE JESUS!

Thanking God for Thankfulness

So Thanksgiving just came and went. They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Cambodia. In fact, most of my foreign friends don’t celebrate it either since they are from Australia, Canada, and Britain. It was strange for that holiday, which I look forward to with dancing tastebuds and a nostalgic heart each year, to be so foreign to everyone here. They knew about it, but didn’t really understand why we Americans get so excited about one big meal where we stuff ourselves full of heavy and fattening food, talk about what we are thankful for, and then go out the next day and buy lots of things we don’t need that shows how UNthankful we are for the things we have since we need more. Yeah, it doesn’t actually make sense to me either. But I was still excited about my plans for Thanksgiving.

Language class in the morning and work until late afternoon, just like always. In the evening, however, I traveled with Ryan and Bethany and family to another house to celebrate Thanksgiving with two other young American families, also with young kids. We walked into a house where candles were lit, the doors were open letting light and a cool breeze in the house (as well as some mosquitoes) and lots of children gathered around a table doing a Thanksgiving craft. This sounds kind of romantic, but in reality, it was because that area had lost power and they didn’t have electricity (this is a common occurrence in some areas of the city). So we pulled together the organized potluck and set a beautiful table piled with roast chicken (it tasted like turkey to me), mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy, baked corn, green bean casserole, broccoli salad, cranberry sauce, and rolls in candlelight.

Thankfully, the electricity returned before we actually filled our plates, so we could close the doors, shutting out hungry mosquitoes, and enjoy the A/C so we weren’t sweating while we ate this delicious food. As we ate, I tried to eat slowly and savor my food. I really did. I just couldn’t. My hand kept shoveling food in my mouth as if I had no control over it. It just tasted SO GOOD. That’s probably on account of not eating hearty American food like that very often. And then we topped it off with some apple pie, pumpkin bars, and ice cream. Wow.

Yes, the food was delicious, but I couldn’t help but think about my family and what they were doing at that moment. I don’t think I’ve ever had a Thanksgiving when I wasn’t with any of my family. Yes, the last four Thanksgivings I spent away from home at my aunt and uncle and cousins’ house in Ohio, but that still felt like I was at home there. It felt right. This just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving to me. I’m actually grateful for this feeling because it reassures me I don’t just see Thanksgiving as being about eating certain kinds of food and stuffing my face. My family is what makes Thanksgiving special. It’s a time to fellowship together, just like Jesus did so often with those HE loved.

But even though I missed my family, I could still walk through in my head all of the many ways I feel blessed – all the things I have to be thankful for. And there are so many. The host family I have been placed with, the friends I have made here, the connection I have with Ryan and Bethany, the family and church and friends I have back home praying for me and loving me despite the 9000 miles between us, the joy I have found in noticing the small things each day, the way God has lifted me up out of the mire of the first month, the ways God has been faithful to me and for the fact that I can trust Him to keep His promises, His unending love and grace I am learning so much about right now…all of these things I have heard so often before but never really understood. Now they mean something to me because I AM EXPERIENCING THEM. I am learning the Truth about God’s goodness because God is putting me through experiences where I have to struggle to discover it myself. I can hear how good God is over and over and over again (and I have throughout my life!) but it still doesn’t sink in until I have reason to cry from the depths of my heart – GOD, YOU ARE SO GOOD!  Often it takes a walk in a dark, muddy, forest with threats all around, coming out on the other side, and then looking back and saying, “God, You are so good to have brought me through that alive and with a heart more closely connected to Yours because of all those times I cried from loneliness or screamed in fear of the unknown.”

So God, I thank You for that dark, muddy forest I walked through when I thought I would never get through it. I thank You for the moments of doubt. I thank You for not always showing Your face as clearly as I may have wanted, and instead forcing me to trust that Your promises hold true, even when my feelings deny believing it. And I thank You for thankfulness. I thank You that I am able to see gifts each day that You bring to me simply because You love me, not because I deserve them. The moments when Kai, in the middle of a conversation with someone else, turns to me and says “I love you Jenna”; the moments when Sa-Sa gives me a kiss on my cheek. And then another one. And then another one. And then….; those times when I can just sit and listen to the little tiny birds that flit through the railings on the balcony, chatter away; the smiles I get from young girls, young women, and older women as I walk past them and greet them with “Sou a se dey!” – God these are all gifts from You that I don’t have any right to receive. And yet so often I think I do. Help me to see them as gifts, and in having that mindset, I pray I can better understand this incredible love that You pour out on me, WITHOUT ANY CONDEMNATION (Romans 8:1) because I belong to Christ Jesus.

Thank You for thankfulness, my Friend.

Countryside…my heart

Riding bike along a dirt path in the middle of vast rice fields of glowing green and golden yellow, seeing the grins on children’s faces as they raise their mini chalkboards and yell “Teacher!” vying for my glance of approval at what’s written on it, hours each day sitting on the slatted bamboo floor pouring over the living words of Jesus, being surrounded by animals, banana trees, and simplicity everywhere I go – this is the countryside. This is my heart.

I spent two weeks (October 29-November 9) in Mesang, Cambodia teaching English to a bunch of children who are part of a children’s ministry program, which was started by other missionaries from EMM. I taught two classes a day with anywhere from 10-36 children each class. This was my first experience with teaching English and after the first two days of feeling discouraged and not getting much positive feedback from the students or other Bible teachers there, it was a little hard for me to imagine doing that for two more weeks. But the next day, things clicked for me teaching, and for the students learning. We both understood what worked for them to understand. It was God showing His faithfulness once again. The day I left, a bunch of girls brought little simple gifts for me, but they touched my heart so much! They were genuinely sad to see me leave and I was sad to say goodbye as well. God was showing me that even though I wasn’t a professional at what I did, the relationships I built with the kids were not dependent on how well I taught. Their love for me was because I showed that I cared about them in the times I played games with them outside or spent time on breaks teaching them english phrases. Relationships trump accomplishments any day. Isn’t that Jesus message to us too?

I lived with a host family – a mom and her two daughters and they were wonderful. They were a Christian family which was great and I so enjoyed staying with them, other than the frustration of not being able to understand what they were saying (they didn’t speak any English) and having them practically force feed me 4 times the amount of food I wanted. 🙂 By the end of the two weeks, I began to understand them a little more and I enjoyed the limited conversations we had, as well as the relationship I built with them.

I had a lot of free time each day, so I used it to read scripture, pray and journal. What a blessing! At first I felt frustrated with how much extra time I had, but eventually I came to realize that I had that time for a reason. God showed me things in my heart that need changed. He made me ask questions and produced in me a strong desire to pursue Him and His Truth in my life. Funny how God always knows what we need and provides it, but we forget that every time, just because it looks a little different than it did last time. At least that’s true of me, for sure.

Now I am back in the city and I started work at Daughters of Cambodia – an NGO that works to empower women and menwho choose to come out of the sex trade and change their lives. Check out their website – there’s a really great video explaining what we do. My role at Daughters is so far kind of overwhelming. There are 4 Khmer social workers who counsel the women and men and then I will sort of me in charge of the facilitating the social work department as a whole. Talk about stressful for never even having been a social worker before! But the girl whose role I am taking over because she is leaving in 3 weeks is wonderful and so understanding of how intense this job is, so she has been great to work under. And I get to work from the Daughters cafe a few times a week (especially when the power is out and I need internet) which means drinks and desserts quite often 🙂 I have a feeling God is going to take me on a journey of learning to trust in His power this year. Hard, but I need that.

Things I learned in Mesang:

1. How to act thankful and gracious when I am already stuffed full of food but my host mom puts more food on my plate without asking

2. How to make the most of hours of free time every day when I’m not allowed to help make food or do anything else that requires work to help

3. How to sleep through dogs fighting, confused roosters crowing at 11:30 at night, and a hard wood floor.

4. How to confidently ride bike along tiny strips of muddy flat land amid craters of mud

5. How to go with the flow in teaching English when plans change

6. What an incredible blessing fans are!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is my host family I stayed with while in Mesang.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is me teaching some of the kids.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The treacherous bike trails I rode each day 🙂

And the beautiful rice fields I got to enjoy while I rode.

Just Be.

An image comes to mind. That moment in the car – Mom, Dad, Andrew and me – sitting still in the Subway parking lot just a few miles from the airport…just a few miles from saying goodbye…my hands clasped in Dad’s large one and Andrew’s roughed from hard work. And we pray. As tears escape from every eye, we pray. As my mind remembers, so does my heart. It remembers the anticipation and dread of hard goodbyes. It remembers the difficulty of trusting God that it WILL be okay. It remembers the sorrow and grief already present even while still with them, clasping hands with them at the foot of God’s throne, holding tightly, not wanting to ever let go. And the tears escape again, except this time 40 days later. After days of depression and days of renewed thanksgiving, after hundreds of tears, they still come at the memory of that one beautiful moment. Oh, to be able to clasp those precious hands again and give thanks to our God who sustains us even when it hurts! What I wouldn’t give to have another of those moments.

But they are not what sustains me. If they were I would be finished here, unable to go on. But they are not. My sustenance comes from my Lord Who gives me all good things and deserves all my thanks. Thank You, Jesus, for that moment of praise 40 days ago. You are good to me!

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Doing things on my own…defeating each city block as I walk the trails made by concrete, flattened trash, and abandoned shoes, I feel strangely alive as sweat pours from each pore under the unmercifcul heat of the sun. I thank Jesus for each moment of shade. Walking. Doing this gives me confidence. Doing this makes me feel like I am accomplishing something – I am becoming part of this strange and endearing new world. But why do I need to feel like I am accomplishing things each day? Why do I need to be productive? Is this a ghost-habit of my American self? – always working hard, always needing to DO. This is the attitude I have grown up with in a culture that frowns on laziness and days, hours wasted. True, God tells us laziness is destructive, but being content doesn’t mean being lazy. Can I learn to be instead of always do?

I think this feeling strangely alive in accomplishment…well, I’m not really sure what to think. It is a good feeling and if it seems life-giving to me and helps me draw closer to God, I should do it, right? But if God is trying to teach me to be less concerned with accomplishing, where does that leave me? Maybe being content in both – accomplishing and being unproductive. How does contentedness look different in those moments? I want to savor life. I rush through each moment of each day, waiting for the next best thing, ungrateful for the time I have now. Then, when I am in the moment of that next-best thing, as soon as it begins, it ends, and I am again looking toward the next one, just wanting to get through the mundane minutes until then. What is time, then? Time is a way of keeping me from enjoyment and contentedness. It is a constant each day that I only endure because I have to. What a miserable way to live!

I have but one life. I have but one year here in Cambodia and then it will be gone. What a waste it would be to go through this year, always waiting, always wishing for time to go faster. I want to enjoy my life. I want to enjoy each moment…even the moments that seem like all they could be are just in-between moments because nothing substantial is happening. But they are still moments of my life that I don’t want to waste.

Moments like sitting for hours each day watching TV with the family. I tried. I tried to stay present in each moment of today. But it is so difficult for me to find something life-giving about sitting in front of the television. I feel like this period of time before I start work at Daughters of Cambodia is to get to know my family and to study language. So I spend time with them, doing what they are doing. Is that what God is calling me to right now – watching hours of TV? How do I make sure I feel good about how my time is spent during the day when I am so used to accomplishing? 

Again, God says to me “Abide in me. Just be. Don’t be concerned with doing because that only leads to feeling like you need to prove yourself to others, which you already do too much. Always accomplishing, never resting leads to drained hearts and empty days. As you sit, listen to My voice. When Sa-Sa climbs on your lap and messes up your hair, instead of fuming in your mind “why am I sitting here watching TV? This isn’t why I’m in Cambodia!”, ask for eyes to see Me. Ask for a heart to listen. And then do that. Listen.”

In this listening and this learning to be content, God reminds me that the things I left behind are not what sustains me. It is God and God alone. Thank You, God, for the pain of being stretched and struggling through moments of frustration so that I might learn what it is to be content in each moment. So that I might learn what it is to just be.

My Family…

As I am sitting here in Bethany and Ryan Umble’s kitchen, sweating despite the cool air from a nearby fan blowing on my face, I am reminded that it is the middle of October. At home, I would be pulling out my jeans and sweatshirts, gearing up for colder and colder weather as autumn creeps in with the breezes. Part of me cries out, “It’s October! I am supposed to be wearing warmer clothing now. I’m supposed to be seeing the beginnings of eager Christmas decorators starting to pull their decorations out of the dusty corners of attics. I’m supposed to be running through Suter’s corn maze in Pandora, Ohio with friends, and drinking tons of hot apple cider, sitting under my maple tree at home, watching the leaves change colors.”

What is “supposed to”? Who defines what I am “supposed” to be doing?

I reflect on what I want my “supposed to” to mean. I want it to mean listening to the voice of God. I want it to mean finding joy where I am and being thankful for the little things I appreciate each day, like the mixture of salty and sweet in peanut butter crackers and the giggle of little Aslan as he rolls around on top of a ball.

My “supposed to” is giving thanks for what I have right now. And I’m working at it. And I love it :). So right now, Jesus, I thank You that what I am “supposed to” be doing is living in Cambodia, learning to speak the language, sweating my way through each day, and enjoying those hard rains that bring coolness. This is what I am “supposed to” be doing. And giving thanks through it all.

One thing I am especially thankful for is my wonderful host family! I forget how much I said before about them, but both the mom and dad speak English well and they are a Christian family. The last few weeks has been really good for me as it has allowed to feel more at home there. Although no one can take the place of my real family (and how much I have felt that since coming to Cambodia!), these are good substitutes :).

Here they are…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet my family. The two guys who are standing are two of my host dad’s cousins. On the left is Borey and on the right is Raskmey. My host mom, Vanna (pronounced VanNA),  is sitting next to me with their youngest son, Nathan on her lap. My host dad, Boeurn (Boo-en), is the other man in the picture and he is holding Kevin, their oldest child with TONS of energy. That leaves Lisa, who we all call Sa-SA, who is sitting on my lap and Srey On, who is Boeurn’s younger sister sitting between Boeurn and Vanna. Srey On lived with us for about the first two and a half weeks I was here, helping out with the children and cooking and cleaning. Since then, she has been living back at her home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
This is Kevin. He is a 4 year old boy who has SO MUCH ENERGY! He laughs all the time, often at his own mischievous behavior. He can be quite the little trouble-maker, but is so loveable. One of his favorite things to do is eat Nathan’s baby formula powder dry. I can’t say I have  ever tasted it, but I have to wonder what is so delicious about it. Also, another note…Angry birds is EVERYWHERE! Literally anytime I am outside I see multiple people, even grown women and men, wearing angry birds apparel. They really love the game here in Cambodia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
This is Sa-Sa. She is such a dear, but is often adamant to have her way. She just turned 3 at the end of September. She LOVES to come out of the shower each evening butt naked and just dance her way around the room, still dripping wet. She officially has the cutest laugh I have ever heard from a 3 year old. When she thinks something is really funny, SHE LAUGHS HARD! I love it so much. She loves to just plop down on my lap whenever I am sitting on the floor, which is often and turn upside down. She also loves to come up to me with her finger on her lips and talk in a whisper (which is actually just moving her lips like she is pretending to whisper) as if she is planning some sneak attack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And this is Nathan. He just turned 2 months old and is already showing so much more alertness since when I first got here.  Every once in awhile he will show a slight smile and maybe stick his tongue out too. I’m so excited to be able to watch him grow up through the first year of his life!

As the days grow colder (in the US!), I pray that each of you begins to pick out the little things you are thankful for and truly appreciate the gifts they are from God.

Blessings to each of you!

I am here!

I am so incredibly sorry for how infrequently I have posted since coming to Cambodia (as in not at all yet). Time on the internet has been much more limited than I anticipated, which has been kind of a bummer, but hopefully soon I will be able to work out a system that allows me more flexibility with that.

Well, I am in Cambodia and have considered it my home for the last (almost) 2 weeks. I can’t say it feels like home yet and I don’t think it ever will completely, but I am working at accepting that as how it will be for the next year. I got into Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital on Tuesday, September 11 around 10:00pm and went right to sleep after depriving myself of good sleep during the 20 hour plane ride. The first two nights here I stayed with Ryan and Bethany Umble and their three children, who are also missionaries with EMM. They are wonderful and my connection with them so far has been so important for me in learning to adjust to Cambodian culture and also learning how to bridge between the U.S. and Cambodia. After those two days I moved in with my host family. They are a Christan family of 5 and the parents speak English, which is such a blessing to me in this time when I don’t know hardly any Khmer at all. Hopefully soon I will be able to post some pictures of them so you can get to know them a little better.

I started language learning at a school called LINK (Language Institute of Natural Khmer, I think) a week ago and it has been really good so far. The idea of the school is for the students to just sit in class and listen to two teachers talk in Khmer with each other and with the students. The students are supposed to just sit and absorb Khmer phrases and words and only answer in their native language when asked questions. The theory is that the students will pick up Khmer just like children learn a language – by being surrounded by it and absorbing the words and sentences in context with the culture and every day life. There are rarely more than 3 people in each class (each is an hour long) and sometimes I have been the only student.  I am starting to pick up words here and there as I listen to people talk, but sentences and phrases are much more difficult. Hopefully with time that will get better!

I am beginning to learn how traffic patterns (or lack-there-of) work, some Khmer (pronounced Khmei) cultural practices, and how to eat Khmer food. I am developing more of a taste for fish, which is good, and the wide-array of fruit here is delicious! I do miss American food, but I have had some at Ryan and Bethany’s house on occasion, which has been really good. I really like Cambodian culture, but I do miss home and family quite a lot.

My daily schedule this past week looked something like this:

I usually eat breakfast on my own in the mornings and then hang out with the family downstairs until lunchtime (noon-ish). The kids like to watch cartoons (Especially Tom and Jerry) for a few hours each morning, and I’ve enjoyed watching them with them. After lunch, we have a rest time for a few hours, during which I usually sleep a little or read. At 2:30 a designated moto driver (motorbikes are EVERYWHERE in Phnom Penh!) comes to pick me up to take me to language class which is about a 25 minute drive across the city. He picks me up again at 5 and from 5:30 until 7, I usually spend time downstairs with Vanna (my host mom) and their three children. Between 7 and 8 we eat supper and then watch some Cambodian news, James Bond, or other movie until about 9 when everyone starts getting ready for bed and I go upstairs to journal and sleep.

The next few weeks will be a little different as I will be spending the first few days of this week staying at the Umbles’ house helping their day nanny – Ming Thai – to babysit their kids while Ryan and Bethany go away for a few days to celebrate their 12th anniversary. Then next week I will be in Mesang in Prey Veng province visiting for a few days. That is the rural area of Cambodia where I will be living for a few months during October/November/December and teaching English to children.

I would appreciate prayers for smooth language learning, a healthy body, and good relationships with my host family. Please pray for my ability to be present here in Cambodia and really invest in the relationships I am building with people. Please also pray for a renewed desire and ability to trust in God and His plan for me. It seems pretty hidden from my view right now, which I guess is how God usually works, but I won’t say it’s not frustrating.

Khmer fun fact 1: I spend about 98% of my time downstairs at my host home on the floor. I watch TV on the floor, talk with people on the floor, and eat meals on the floor. The floor is really the place to be in Khmer culture! My host family sleeps on the floor downstairs too!

For those of you interested, I finally figured out what my mailing address will be for the next year! I would recommend, however, that you not send care packages. Apparently even small packages can cost about $80! Just letters of encouragement and reminders of your prayers for me will be just as helpful and appreciated as a box of stuff. 🙂

My address is:

Jenna Eshleman
c/o EMM
P.O. Box 1662
Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Thank you for all your prayers!

Jenna (pronounced Chenna here in Cambodia. Apparently that’s already a Khmer name!)