Just Be.

An image comes to mind. That moment in the car – Mom, Dad, Andrew and me – sitting still in the Subway parking lot just a few miles from the airport…just a few miles from saying goodbye…my hands clasped in Dad’s large one and Andrew’s roughed from hard work. And we pray. As tears escape from every eye, we pray. As my mind remembers, so does my heart. It remembers the anticipation and dread of hard goodbyes. It remembers the difficulty of trusting God that it WILL be okay. It remembers the sorrow and grief already present even while still with them, clasping hands with them at the foot of God’s throne, holding tightly, not wanting to ever let go. And the tears escape again, except this time 40 days later. After days of depression and days of renewed thanksgiving, after hundreds of tears, they still come at the memory of that one beautiful moment. Oh, to be able to clasp those precious hands again and give thanks to our God who sustains us even when it hurts! What I wouldn’t give to have another of those moments.

But they are not what sustains me. If they were I would be finished here, unable to go on. But they are not. My sustenance comes from my Lord Who gives me all good things and deserves all my thanks. Thank You, Jesus, for that moment of praise 40 days ago. You are good to me!

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Doing things on my own…defeating each city block as I walk the trails made by concrete, flattened trash, and abandoned shoes, I feel strangely alive as sweat pours from each pore under the unmercifcul heat of the sun. I thank Jesus for each moment of shade. Walking. Doing this gives me confidence. Doing this makes me feel like I am accomplishing something – I am becoming part of this strange and endearing new world. But why do I need to feel like I am accomplishing things each day? Why do I need to be productive? Is this a ghost-habit of my American self? – always working hard, always needing to DO. This is the attitude I have grown up with in a culture that frowns on laziness and days, hours wasted. True, God tells us laziness is destructive, but being content doesn’t mean being lazy. Can I learn to be instead of always do?

I think this feeling strangely alive in accomplishment…well, I’m not really sure what to think. It is a good feeling and if it seems life-giving to me and helps me draw closer to God, I should do it, right? But if God is trying to teach me to be less concerned with accomplishing, where does that leave me? Maybe being content in both – accomplishing and being unproductive. How does contentedness look different in those moments? I want to savor life. I rush through each moment of each day, waiting for the next best thing, ungrateful for the time I have now. Then, when I am in the moment of that next-best thing, as soon as it begins, it ends, and I am again looking toward the next one, just wanting to get through the mundane minutes until then. What is time, then? Time is a way of keeping me from enjoyment and contentedness. It is a constant each day that I only endure because I have to. What a miserable way to live!

I have but one life. I have but one year here in Cambodia and then it will be gone. What a waste it would be to go through this year, always waiting, always wishing for time to go faster. I want to enjoy my life. I want to enjoy each moment…even the moments that seem like all they could be are just in-between moments because nothing substantial is happening. But they are still moments of my life that I don’t want to waste.

Moments like sitting for hours each day watching TV with the family. I tried. I tried to stay present in each moment of today. But it is so difficult for me to find something life-giving about sitting in front of the television. I feel like this period of time before I start work at Daughters of Cambodia is to get to know my family and to study language. So I spend time with them, doing what they are doing. Is that what God is calling me to right now – watching hours of TV? How do I make sure I feel good about how my time is spent during the day when I am so used to accomplishing? 

Again, God says to me “Abide in me. Just be. Don’t be concerned with doing because that only leads to feeling like you need to prove yourself to others, which you already do too much. Always accomplishing, never resting leads to drained hearts and empty days. As you sit, listen to My voice. When Sa-Sa climbs on your lap and messes up your hair, instead of fuming in your mind “why am I sitting here watching TV? This isn’t why I’m in Cambodia!”, ask for eyes to see Me. Ask for a heart to listen. And then do that. Listen.”

In this listening and this learning to be content, God reminds me that the things I left behind are not what sustains me. It is God and God alone. Thank You, God, for the pain of being stretched and struggling through moments of frustration so that I might learn what it is to be content in each moment. So that I might learn what it is to just be.

My Family…

As I am sitting here in Bethany and Ryan Umble’s kitchen, sweating despite the cool air from a nearby fan blowing on my face, I am reminded that it is the middle of October. At home, I would be pulling out my jeans and sweatshirts, gearing up for colder and colder weather as autumn creeps in with the breezes. Part of me cries out, “It’s October! I am supposed to be wearing warmer clothing now. I’m supposed to be seeing the beginnings of eager Christmas decorators starting to pull their decorations out of the dusty corners of attics. I’m supposed to be running through Suter’s corn maze in Pandora, Ohio with friends, and drinking tons of hot apple cider, sitting under my maple tree at home, watching the leaves change colors.”

What is “supposed to”? Who defines what I am “supposed” to be doing?

I reflect on what I want my “supposed to” to mean. I want it to mean listening to the voice of God. I want it to mean finding joy where I am and being thankful for the little things I appreciate each day, like the mixture of salty and sweet in peanut butter crackers and the giggle of little Aslan as he rolls around on top of a ball.

My “supposed to” is giving thanks for what I have right now. And I’m working at it. And I love it :). So right now, Jesus, I thank You that what I am “supposed to” be doing is living in Cambodia, learning to speak the language, sweating my way through each day, and enjoying those hard rains that bring coolness. This is what I am “supposed to” be doing. And giving thanks through it all.

One thing I am especially thankful for is my wonderful host family! I forget how much I said before about them, but both the mom and dad speak English well and they are a Christian family. The last few weeks has been really good for me as it has allowed to feel more at home there. Although no one can take the place of my real family (and how much I have felt that since coming to Cambodia!), these are good substitutes :).

Here they are…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet my family. The two guys who are standing are two of my host dad’s cousins. On the left is Borey and on the right is Raskmey. My host mom, Vanna (pronounced VanNA),  is sitting next to me with their youngest son, Nathan on her lap. My host dad, Boeurn (Boo-en), is the other man in the picture and he is holding Kevin, their oldest child with TONS of energy. That leaves Lisa, who we all call Sa-SA, who is sitting on my lap and Srey On, who is Boeurn’s younger sister sitting between Boeurn and Vanna. Srey On lived with us for about the first two and a half weeks I was here, helping out with the children and cooking and cleaning. Since then, she has been living back at her home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
This is Kevin. He is a 4 year old boy who has SO MUCH ENERGY! He laughs all the time, often at his own mischievous behavior. He can be quite the little trouble-maker, but is so loveable. One of his favorite things to do is eat Nathan’s baby formula powder dry. I can’t say I have  ever tasted it, but I have to wonder what is so delicious about it. Also, another note…Angry birds is EVERYWHERE! Literally anytime I am outside I see multiple people, even grown women and men, wearing angry birds apparel. They really love the game here in Cambodia!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
This is Sa-Sa. She is such a dear, but is often adamant to have her way. She just turned 3 at the end of September. She LOVES to come out of the shower each evening butt naked and just dance her way around the room, still dripping wet. She officially has the cutest laugh I have ever heard from a 3 year old. When she thinks something is really funny, SHE LAUGHS HARD! I love it so much. She loves to just plop down on my lap whenever I am sitting on the floor, which is often and turn upside down. She also loves to come up to me with her finger on her lips and talk in a whisper (which is actually just moving her lips like she is pretending to whisper) as if she is planning some sneak attack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And this is Nathan. He just turned 2 months old and is already showing so much more alertness since when I first got here.  Every once in awhile he will show a slight smile and maybe stick his tongue out too. I’m so excited to be able to watch him grow up through the first year of his life!

As the days grow colder (in the US!), I pray that each of you begins to pick out the little things you are thankful for and truly appreciate the gifts they are from God.

Blessings to each of you!